I hate those Tv talent shows like Pop Idol, and Britains Got Talent (or as I call it 'Britains Obviously Got Shortages in Mental Health Funding').

So I propose a new format to help rid us of the attention dependant oxygen-wasters that apply to go on them.

'Popped'

As per the standard format of Pop Idol - contestants whittled down, then televised live final to pick the winner, followed by magazine interviews, record deal, and tour, throughout which they are complet…

Also ripe for a revamp.

Anneka Rice's Terror Hunt
A serial killer is released from jail and given the address of a person a few miles away that fits his preferred victim profile.
Anneka is scrambled in the chopper while a team of contestants in the studio try to decipher cryptic clues about the victims address, and the race is on!

Who will reach the address first? The chirpy, upper class, big @rsed blond bint, or the dull eyed determined maniac?
Will Anneka…

Remember that cheesy sci-fi show with David McCallum & Joanna Lumley, called Sapphire & Steel? (youngsters, you may need to ask a grownup about this)

Remember that before the titles there was a load of guff about the periodic table?

Well I've just realised that neither Sapphire or Steel are elements, and were just arbitrary words, so I've started planning the adventures of Spongecake & Poly-Cotton Blend, two investigators who solve a different paranormal cake-b…

As you know, I work with the homeless, which means I often think about weighty topics like -

If slugs are snails without a shell, does that mean they're all homeless?
Should they be picked up with a Big Tissue?

If most accidents happen in the home, how come you see so many homeless
people with bruises?
Is there a secret shelter where the homeless go for accidents?

'Hello Frankie, we've got you booked in for a mild cooker-burn and a smack
in the he…

Surely ready for a comeback but will need some changes, because let's face it, Jimmy Saville is just downright creepy now.
So I propose :-

Bob'll fix it, starring Robert de Niro.

Opening credits, Bob standing there saying:
You want me to fix it for you?
You want me.
To fix it.
For you?
You want me to fix it? For you?
(Looking around) I dont see anyone else fixing it round here.
You must be wanting ME to fix it for YOU.
You want m…